I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm gonna fight the coyote
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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