remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
