did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He shit in the fireplace
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
