Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
