just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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