meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
