Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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