PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
