toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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