I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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