she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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