Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
