Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
