Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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