At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
