Your face is a jimmy john
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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