I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
