hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
