My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
