i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
