let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
