I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
