Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
