You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
