Princesses don't give blow jobs
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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