i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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