I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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