Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
