Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
