I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
