Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
