guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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