a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
