i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize