And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
