Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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