No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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