What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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