Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
