I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
