I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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