Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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