Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
