I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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