Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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