He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
