I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize