I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
