she woke up with a sticky ear
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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