If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
