i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
