I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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