Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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