I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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