meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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