I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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