I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
