Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
no, he came in my armpit
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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