I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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