to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
