I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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