why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
